The Story of a Regular Person’s First Hollywood Red Carpet Event…

and walking away with my dignity (mostly) in tact

I recently won an award that garnered my attendance to my first Hollywood red carpet event. When I found out our video for TODAY won a Gracie (from the Alliance for Women in Media), I wasn’t sure what to expect, nor did I realize how big of a deal it was.

I quickly learned we’d be attending a serious star-studded event, with a lot of truly impressive people all around, and a fancy dress was needed.

For background, and for those of you that don’t know anything about me: I’m about as regular of a person as it gets. I live in a modest home, don’t wear a ton of makeup (although, I own more makeup than most of my friends combined), and right now, my life is pretty damn boring. My idea of excitement right now is when Target has my oat milk creamer.

How the hell was someone like me going to be prepared to walk a red carpet behind some of the smartest, sexiest women around?! Also, there was a chance Rachel freaking Maddow was going to be there. I instantly started to panic.

I had to be on my best behavior, look my best , pretend like I belonged there — and stay somewhat sober.

So where did I start?

Google. Fucking Google. Always.

The Prep

I literally searched, “how to prepare for my first red carpet” and, “how celebrities get ready for red carpet events.” What I discovered was insanity. Vogue, InStyle, Bustle, etc. all had articles with tips from different celebrities or their people. Do you know how much time and money people spend preparing for these events? Even talking conservatively, people spend thousands of dollars, and prepare sometimes for months for an event like the Daytime Emmy Awards. This wasn’t exactly up to that level, but pretty damn close.

Due to some health issues over the last several months, I admittedly have put on a few (re: several) pounds, and haven’t been working out as much as I normally do, so I have lost my Madonna-like chiseled biceps. Not to mention that, but everything else on me is bigger than it normally is, so that only heightened my anxiety.

I also didn’t have the time or money that even G-list celebrities do, so I knew I couldn’t follow the InStyle way. The next three weeks were going to take a lot of improvisation, resourcefulness and self control.

What I needed to accomplish:
- I needed to get skinny in a short amount of time
- My teeth had to be white AF
- Skin needed to look about 10 years younger
- I had to find a dress

Step 1: Diet & Exercise

Even the most unlikely of celebrities will do crazy diets before a big event to take off temporary nasty stomach weight and bloat or to help define muscles. I wanted that same effect and strongly considered doing a juice cleanse — legit had them in my cart and was ready to click the “buy” button. I did so much research on all the top cleanses, I could tell you which ones have the least sugar, the prices of them, how long you do them for, etc. Everything I read suggested that the cleanses while tough to stick to, are extremely effective.

Then I learned something awful: juice cleanses make you poop. I’m not talking the kind of shit you have after a morning of kefir with raspberries and a trenta coffee. From what I’ve read, the aftermath of a juice cleanse is more like a colonoscopy prep mixed with Ex-Lax, and a prune juice chaser. I knew I could NOT risk shitting myself while in deep conversation with women that I admire. Or on the plane. There was no telling exactly how long the side effects would last, when exactly they would show up, or how strong, so I avoided the juice cleanse altogether and tried to compromise.

In the lead-up to the event, I opted for daily Icelandic yogurts with fresh berries, lots of salads with whole grains incorporated, and had a small daily dose of prune juice until the day before I left. I’ve been pescatarian since March, so meat was out of the question, but I made sure to have salmon. I also avoided soda, bread/pasta (essentially any white food), alcohol, cheese and most added sugars. In essence, I gave up most of the stuff I like. The bread was probably the hardest to avoid, and I found myself craving toast. I realize that for a lot of people this wouldn’t be considered a diet and would just be called “eating” but for me, cutting out white food was ROUGH.

Next up, was exercise. Celebrities work with personal trainers, go to the gym sometimes twice a day, spend mornings at Soul Cycle, and stick to a strict routine, while spending hundreds or thousands of dollars…I did none of those things. Like I said, I can be cheap, so I opted for the free method of running on a trail while listening to Harry Potter books. I couldn’t find an affordable pilates instructor or private pool, or cycle class with a hand cycle, so I stuck to the trail.

I did try to do bicep curls with my 13 lb cat, but she was not having it. But that’s ok, I knew every little bit would help.

Making my Face Better

I’m not old, but as my brother frequently reminds me, I’m no spring chicken anymore. I am starting to get some serious wrinkles around my eyes, and thanks to furrowing my brow anytime something annoys me, smells weird or tastes the slightest bit funny, I have a permanent dent in between my eyebrows. To make matters worse, my years of oboe playing have given me tiny little lines all around my lips. My skin needed the wrinkles of a 16 year old privileged white girl, the glow you get after amazing sex and the silky smooth feeling of a baby’s bottom.

I needed a miracle. Or maybe just a miracle treatment. But how?

This is where shit gets expensive and weird.

Knowing I needed drastic measures, but again, not very much time, I attempted a stem cell facial for the first time. My cousin has been getting micro-needling with stem cells and she looks much younger and doesn’t even need foundation at this point.

But I had a burning question before trying this new skincare fad: where do these stem cells come from? If I was going to put them on my face, I needed to know — do they come from babies? cows? pigs? Would it matter? Probably not, but I had to know.

They’re from placentas. HUMAN placentas. Before I go on, I know what you’re thinking — “that’s awesome, can’t I just buy a placenta, put it on my face, and cut out the middle man of an esthetician?” That’s what I thought too, but apparently a placenta is considered medical waste and it’s illegal to do that. Also, fun fact: according to my friend who is a labor and delivery nurse, hospitals are required to dispose of placentas unless the mother wants to take it home. So for all you expectant mothers out there, you have a diamond in your body right now, and you didn’t even realize it. Find a way to get that thing turned into stem cell cream.

But I digress.

I coughed up $150+ for the stem cell facial and it has forever changed me. I loved it so much that I’m including a pic of what I looked like the morning after. The whole process took about an hour, was extremely relaxing, had about 10 steps, and left my skin looking and feeling better than it has since I was in my early twenties. It didn’t even bother my super sensitive skin. The only thing I would change, is next time I would have it done the day before the event instead of five days before, to maximize the impact.

I’ll say this now though — anyone who goes to a super important event, or even to the grocery store, should get a stem cell facial, and pray there’s not a shortage of placentas anytime soon.

Also to get my face prepped, I got my eyebrows waxed and conditioned at the Benefit Brow Bar. This was probably the cheapest part of the preparation. Thank God for the entire Crest whitening line, too. I’m not sure if there’s that much of a difference getting your teeth professionally whitened, but I was happy with my regimen of white strips and whitening toothpaste.

I wish I had gotten my chipped front tooth fixed, and get my hooded eye adjusted, but there just wasn’t time! I was lucky I could get into my eye doctor to ensure I had contact lenses.

I’m only on my face and yet I’m exhausted just talking about it, but let’s continue…

The Outfit

Why is it, that when you’re given free reign to spend a modest amount of money, no one seems to want to take said money?!

Shopping for my dress and accessories turned out to be the most painful part of this entire process, and the part where I most wished I had access to the celebrity treatment. At one department store that shall remain nameless, the girl talked to me like a was a peasant and told me they didn’t really have anything that could be appropriate, even though they totally did.

I guess this is the part where I mention I’m a paraplegic. Wearing dresses when you’re in a wheelchair can look weird. You can very easily look like you’re the female FDR or super short. The dress frequently shouldn’t be floor-length but also shouldn’t go passed your knees. I also have what’s referred to in the disabled world as “para belly” so a dress can’t be very tight on me.

I needed help on figuring out what would look good on me at this point.

Again, this is where Google comes into play. I didn’t know what to wear so I searched, “Emma Watson + red carpet” and went from there. I ordered a bunch of stuff online, including a couple of jumpsuits. Trying to keep it green, I used TheRealReal for a baller designer outfit. I was afraid to use Rent the Runway because I typically need clothes altered.

It did not go as I had hoped. The dresses and jumpsuits I bought didn’t fit right at all. They were either too tight or way too giant. Designer sizing can be tricky and you never know if a size 8 is going to fit more like a size 2. Even the listed measurements can be liars.

I surprised myself when, after looking at Nordstrom, Lord & Taylor, Bloomingdale’s, Neiman’s, and Saks, I found a gorgeous burgundy dress at a prom dress store in Massachusetts for a super reasonable price. And thank goodness, it didn’t need any alterations

The only process more emotionally gut wrenching than trying on dresses? Trying on Spanx and bras. I must have spent an hour in Nordstrom trying on every strapless bra they had. Again, the wheelchair played to my disadvantage. I have scoliosis so I look a bit lopsided and as I mentioned, I’m not feeling the best about my body right now. The sales woman told me she had a hard time fitting me because I was sitting down and, “things just look better when you’re standing up.” NO SHIT. You’d have thought I was sitting down just to make her job harder.

I ended up without the fancy designer bra that I read all the celebrities love. Turns out, my old Victoria’s Secret strapless push-up bra did the trick beautifully…along with some help from silicone inserts to provide some extra cleavage. I seriously considered using the Kardashian trick of gaffer tape, but I had a feeling that was a disaster waiting to happen.

The shoes, bag and jewelry were easy. I already owned a pair of heels, I splurged a little on an Alice & Olivia clutch, and the jewelry was on loan from Anita’s Closet (aka: my mom’s jewelry box).

Outfit: check and check.

Flying to LA and Two Days Pre-Event

Being a non-celebrity, first class was not part of my first red carpet experience. The producer I was traveling with and I slummed it in basic economy, drank our free coffee, cheese and crackers on our long flight from JFK.

Spoiler alert learned during the flight: I did not lose as much weight as I had hoped. I found this out the hard way in the bathroom of the plane, sweating and trying to get my super tight pants back on. I thought I was going to need help. I also learned the lesson that I should not wear such tight pants on a plane. A lot of common sense learnings happened during the trips.

Another tip I had read about celebrities, is that in the few days leading up to an event, they make sure to work out twice a day, and avoid alcohol, salty foods and practically swap food out for water.

But we were in LA! Laura hadn’t explored the area before, we were on a somewhat vacation the first two days, and we had just traveled across the country. Naturally we got off the plane and went straight to In-n-Out Burger. And since the first one we went to had a line that was too long, we went to another one and for a moment I threw the whole “no meat” thing out the window. Then we went to our seriously swanky hotel, realized the bed was like laying in clouds, put on Superstore and passed the fuck out. For 12 hours. So much for our planned night out in downtown LA.

Responsible people would have made up for the supreme laziness the next morning, and we were obviously committed to our celeb bodies. We hardcore exercised by walking three blocks to my favorite coffee shop and then headed to CVS by 7am…to pick up champagne. This of course was followed by an indulgent brunch complete with mimosas and a trip to Credo Beauty to make sure our skincare routine for the next 48 hours would leave our skin glowing.

The day before The Gracies, we went to DryBar to ensure that our hair was the perfect amount of dirty when our hair got done the next morning. Again, we missed out on an opportunity to work out and opted to take in some of LA’s best sites, complete with a scenic drive through the Santa Monica mountains and into Malibu while belting some Miley Cyrus. Very on brand.

In my defense, I did stick to healthy-ish Mexican food, avoided alcohol, and spent a lot of time outside the day before.

THE BIG DAY!!

Somehow I diluted myself into thinking that we could get up early the day of the event with plenty of time to go into the hills to watch the sunrise over the Hollywood sign. Thank God for Laura, because she told me I was insane and there wouldn’t be time. As usual, she was right. I’m notorious for trying to squeeze too much into a short amount of time. This trip was no exception, even though I used to live in LA.

Did you know getting red carpet ready is an entire day thing?! Following the Insta’s of women getting ready for various red carpets, I kind of had an idea of what the day-of would be like, but I wasn’t prepared for what it would truly be like.

We started our day at 8:30am and didn’t finish getting ready until 3:15pm. Yes this included eating breakfast in the room, but there was last-minute face prepping, hair and makeup needed to be done, using whitening strips one more time and eventually crawling into our Spanx and dresses. I won’t bore you with the details of my beauty regimen — that’s for another post, but it was freaking intense! Confession, I also spent some of this time lounging in my bathrobe, drinking champagne because I felt that was a requirement of the day.

I will say, the transformation from waking up that morning to jumping into the Uber was unbelievable. I looked and felt like a different person for the better. I really do understand why even a hint of lipstick or the right shoes can transform how you feel about yourself some days.

We got into our fabulous early 2000s gray Toyota minivan, sunglasses on, ready for the evening, singing some Backstreet Boys in a nod to our makeup artist.

A Room Full of Brilliance

The event itself was one I can’t really compare to anything else I’ve experienced in my life. The night was truly incredible.

Not gonna lie, the first like, hour were uncomfortable as hell, but that’s mostly because I get anxious around new people and when I feel inferior. It also doesn’t help that just about every professional setting I’ve ever been, I’m the only one in a wheelchair or with any type of assistive device. This evening was no exception and I was acutely aware of my giant chair as I looked around the room. My stomach instantly got sick the moment we entered the Beverly Wilshire hotel.

Also, let’s take a beat: what the hell was I doing in the Beverly Wilshire wearing a fancy dress?! Less than three days before that I was eating toast on my couch in cheap leggings and an old Mumford & Sons sweatshirt, covered in cat fur.

Thank God for Laura because she can start a conversation with anyone and make it feel incredibly effortless. We started talking to fascinating journalists and video editors, from Vancouver to New York. The stories they worked on were so compelling, and it was immediately humbling to realize we had been invited to be in the same room as these professionals. Our story was deemed equally as important and it filled me with a immense gratitude.

At that moment, the clothing, makeup, chair…none of it meant anything. I didn’t mean anything. The reason we were in that “royal suite” was to discuss the important impact that women in media have on everyone. We were there to learn, be inspired and celebrate others. Not ourselves.

Our acceptance speech was pre-recorded so shortly after having a drink in the Royal Suite, we were ushered in to record ours. Pro tip if you ever accept an award with other people: SMILE while the other people are talking and look at them. I was so nervous and distracted by listening, that I had a dumb ass look on my face while Gab and Laura spoke, almost staring into space. It did not translate well on video.

Another probably obvious tip I can give you: complimenting someone’s outfit or hair is the perfect icebreaker. Or making a comment on the food. Instead of thinking “no one’s going to want to talk to me,” I should’ve been saying out loud, “thank God for comfortable shoes!”

The red carpet was intimidating but it so so fun that I wanted to do it twice. I didn’t love having to go shortly after Christina Hendricks, because no one should have to follow someone that beautiful, but the photographers were great. You could tell that they knew who was new to the carpet, and they walked you through it, told you where to look and when to move forward. After the group of photographers, there’s a section of reporters and bloggers. If you were my client, I’d tell you to make a beeline for them, but being on the other side now, I avoided them.

Red carpet advice: practice your face and pose in the mirror beforehand if you’ve never done this sort of thing. I know it sounds crazy, but I wish I had practiced at least a little. Once the cameras came up, it was as if I had forgotten how to function and the years of copious mental notes I’d taken from Tyra Banks flew out of my mind. My jaw was clenched yet simultaneously looked droopy, I forgot what to do with my hands and my neck even looked awkward. No part of the situation was comfortable, but it was fun and exciting.

Meeting Icons

My biggest mental takeaway, is that I am still overwhelmed by the amount of powerful, inspiring women I was in the room with and just how kind everyone I spoke to was. I wish there was a way to do a speed dating-style roundabout in that room because everyone had interesting stories to tell, and I could’ve learned so much more.

To protect anonymity and to not come off as a total asshat, I won’t get into all the people I admire that I got to meet. But I will give one celeb story from the evening.

Two words: Christina Hendricks.

I had spent so much time obsessing over how to approach Rachel Maddow if she showed up (spoiler, she didn’t) that I completely forgot about making a note of what I would say to anyone else. Hendricks is the embodiment of a powerful woman: she’s had a great career, been a champion for women, promotes body positivity, is smart…I could go on for days. I didn’t have the guts to go over and say hello after the awards were over, so thank goodness for a friend who had had a bit more liquid courage than I.

I can’t say enough how gracious, funny and absolutely stunning she was. Christina told me I was incredible, complimented my dress, and chatted with us for several minutes. She was genuinely interested in the work we had done to get there.

I also watched an actress/comedian that I admire fangirl when meeting another all star, and that instantly put me at ease for the rest of the evening. It was great seeing people so incredibly successful still look up to one another, have humility, and genuinely applaud each other on. It made every bit of me feel warm and excited for the industry that I have been trying to become part of that can so frequently be seen as cruel.

After the Party

Why did it all have to go by so quickly? The weeks preparing, getting excited and finally getting to sit amongst greats while listening to Cheryl Crow play Strong Enough had gone by in an instant.

The three of us climbed into the back of a taxi with our award in hand, exhausted, feeling on cloud nine, and chatting about the silly things we had said and the works we wanted to go home and watch.

Back in our hotel, I took the chicken cutlets out of my bra, peeled off my Spanx and got into my cloud-like bed once more, trying to hold onto every awesome moment from the night. I also was pretty drunk, so I went (literally) face first into cake that a girlfriend had surprised me with earlier in the day and put on some Mumford & Sons, makeup and jewelry still on.

After getting ready for bed, Laura and I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, letting our accomplishment sink in. I had said so much that night that other people were awesome, it finally felt ok to acknowledge that I was a little awesome too. The experience made me want to go home and work harder.

We also definitely gave Gracie (our award) and each other a few extra hugs. We wouldn’t have been there without Gab or each other.

The next morning came quickly, and with a slight hangover, I drove to the airport, Laura put Gracie in checked baggage (apparently she could qualify as a weapon) and we nursed ourselves with giant bottles of water until it was time to board. I didn’t want to leave this magical world.

And then the stewardess on the flight asked me if my wheelchair cushion was because my “tushy is so precious” and I was reminded once more that I’m just as regular as I was the day before.

**note: please visit allwomeninmedia.org to learn about the 2019 winners. The work being produced by these women (and some men) are fantastic and should be viewed by all**